Dating can be a rollercoaster of emotions, excitement, and uncertainty for anyone, but for those with physical disabilities, it can present unique challenges. From navigating uncomfortable questions to dealing with bad dates, the journey towards finding love can sometimes feel like pushing your wheelchair up a Seattle sidewalk. Dangerous and daunting!
However, with the right mindset and strategies, it’s entirely possible to embrace the dating world with confidence, grace, and audacity. Here are my five tips along with my experiences in the dating world. Lock in that seatbelt, we’re going on a fun ride.
- Own Your Story: Embrace your disability as an integral part of who you are. Your disability does not define you, but it is a significant aspect of your life. By owning your story, you take control of the narrative and show your date that you are comfortable with who you are. If you’re going to do online dating, don’t hide your mobility device. In fact, don’t hide anything that is going to be obvious when you meet in person. You wouldn’t want them to do that to you, right? Besides, why waste time with anyone who sees your wheelchair and immediately checks you off as “not dating material”? That’s so shallow.
Once upon a time, my bestie and I went to meet a guy who said he looked like some hottie from a boy band. This was before online dating, internet, and social media. So we went. My wheelchair was in the back of her sports car. You should have seen his face when he saw the wheelchair. Not when he saw me! The wheelchair! I was stunned. But relieved because he didn’t look like the hottie in the boy band. After that experience, I started telling everyone I used a wheelchair. I have no time for shallow people. - Set Boundaries: Establishing boundaries is crucial in any relationship, and dating is no exception. If you encounter insensitive or invasive questions about your disability during a date, don’t hesitate to set boundaries firmly but politely. And if they don’t respect your decision, politely rolled out the door! You have the right to decide what aspects of your life you’re comfortable discussing.
Once upon a time, I was on a campus date at the university’s social hub when the guy asked me the question that everyone wants to ask disabled people. You know, “can you have sex?” It wasn’t the first time I was asked that, but on that day, I felt a little extra. So when he asked me, I said, “No!” and waited for his reply. I didn’t think he deserved an answer because it was our first date. Just because I can have sex doesn’t mean I wanted to have sex with him! Therefore, don’t always answer their rude and intrusive questions. They wouldn’t ask a non disabled person that!
You have to decide what you want to answer and why you want to answer it. You have nothing to prove to them. You’re dating. It’s the beginning of something that has no name. Don’t feel pressured into revealing anything that is too intrusive. - Turn Challenges into Conversation Starters: Your date will likely appreciate your openness and may even find themselves inspired by your strength. Transforming obstacles into opportunities for connection can pave the way for deeper understanding and empathy. Now that I’ve said that. I’d like to explain a little more about how to do that. Consider it like seasoning when cooking. Don’t over do it, simply sprinkle it here and there, throughout the date.
You’re no one’s inspiration, but you’re definitely NOT a negative person. If you do it right, you’re showing a fun side of your personality. For example, if the place is crowded, I might say, “Good thing you found a table for us or I’d have to share my wheelchair with you.” And smile! Smiling makes every conversation fun. - Recognize Red Flags: Not every date will be a success, and that’s okay. It’s essential to recognize red flags early on and trust your instincts. If your date demonstrates insensitivity, ignorance, or disrespect towards your disability, take it as a clear sign that they may not be the right match for you. Remember, you deserve to be with someone who values and respects you for who you are, disability included. Don’t settle for anything less than the respect and understanding you deserve.
Sorry, people. I don’t have any horror story to tell you. I believe it’s because I don’t jump into any date before chatting for awhile on the phone, via text, or video chat. When I was younger, my day was packed with school, activities, interests, and friends. If I went on a date, it was a commitment of my time. Therefore, I knew there would be some interest from each of us the day we met.
But if you’re in a date, and you want to leave, then leave! Be polite about it because sometimes our negative self talk can do a number on our mind. Maybe it’s not going as bad as you think. Maybe it’s your nerves. Listen to your gut. - Follow Up with Confidence: After a date, whether it was a roaring success or a learning experience, follow up with confidence. If you’re interested in seeing your date again, express your feelings openly and honestly. If the chemistry wasn’t there or you felt uncomfortable, it’s perfectly acceptable to politely decline further dates. Trust your intuition and prioritize your emotional well-being. Remember, dating is a journey, and each experience brings you one step closer to finding the right person for you.
Here’s where it can get tricky. Dating rules apply to you like they do the non disabled world. That means that the non disabled person might not call you right away because that’s not how it’s played. Don’t take it personal. If you do reach out first, don’t freak out if they don’t reply immediately.
In conclusion, navigating the dating scene with a disability requires resilience, confidence, and self-assurance. By owning your story, setting boundaries, turning challenges into conversation starters, recognizing red flags, and following up with confidence, you can approach dating with grace and dignity. Remember, your disability is just one facet of who you are, and the right person will appreciate and embrace every part of you. So go forth with courage, embrace the journey, and never settle for anything less than the love and respect you deserve.
Do you have a great dating story to tell? Heaven or hellish experience? Let me know.
I went deep into the archives and found this funny gem. Read about my interview with men and dating. Click here.
I’m thinking of having a free webinar to discuss breaking down a big goal into smaller steps. If you’re interested be sure to email me and subscribe to the newsletter for the latest updates.
nathasha@audacitymagazine.com
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